September 2007: I answer questions on sex and interpersonal relationships as the witty Aunty Climax.
I had my first sexual encounter one day, many years ago, with a much older, married woman. Now, many women and much experience later, I realise that she had a yeast infection. And no matter how much I enjoy performing oral sex, every time I go down on a woman, I just cannot get the smell and taste of Aunty Reena out of my head. What do I do?
Now, here’s what I suggest you do—make a concerted effort to move on. You are a rare guy who enjoys performing oral sex—don’t deny yourself and your partner the pleasure. So this Aunty Reena—how do you know she had a yeast infection? Was there discharge and a foul smell? Well, I’m guessing so. Think of it this way—now that you know what a yeast infection smells like, you’ll be able to tell whether the woman you’re with has one or not much before your tongue gets involved. And once you’re secure in the knowledge that you have the ability to gauge hygiene beforehand, you’ll soon get over the fear of having another foul encounter.
I am a woman from a very traditional family. I had what is popularly known as a love-cum-arranged marriage eight months ago. We have not had sex. Not ever. My mother-in-law frowns on privacy and intimacy between us. But even when we are alone, I’ve tried initiating but he gets uncomfortable. I am not unattractive. And no, he is not gay. I’m on the verge of taking steps that will rock the boat fairly seriously. Should I?
This is not normal. First off, I’m assuming you are a 100% sure that your husband isn’t gay. Secondly, have you tried talking to him? What does he say? Eight months without the urge to have sex with a woman who sleeps in the same bed is too long to be justified by excuses such as exhaustion/work/lack of privacy. The two of you need to see a therapist. Now. Convince him through love and/or tell him that the stigma associated with seeing a therapist is less than that of getting the families involved in your problems and their reasons. If nothing works, leave. Today more than ever before, women have the right to a sex life and pleasure. You know that or you wouldn’t have written in, right?
I am a 23-year-old guy. I dislike having sex with women. Correction: real women. Since I discovered my dad’s stash of porn when I was 12, I’ve become an addict. I watch/read/breathe/sleep porn. I find real women boring. They don’t look as good and aren’t as hot in bed. So how do I take my life from here?
Naomi Wolf, a famous, iconic feminist author, has a theory that she puts forth in her article 'The Porn Myth'. She believes porn dampens male libido with respect to real women who are flawed and well, ‘real’. That’s what’s happened to you. So unless you want to grow old in an empty bed with no companion or offspring, you’ll have to wean yourself off porn. And form realistic associations and expectations of flesh-and-blood women. Remember, porn stars too have chums and bad-hair days—they just aren’t shown to you! Like Wolf says, "If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on", and if you correlate arousal with unrealistic fantastic porn images, you won’t get aroused with less. Get it?
An edited version of this column appeared in Man’s World in September 2007. I wrote this column for six months or so, but can only find a few pieces.