Aunty Climax / by Tara Kaushal

August 2007: I answer questions on sex and interpersonal relationships as the witty Aunty Climax.

I’m a bachelor. My boss is a woman. Now, there is a link between these two statements. She always keeps saying stuff like, “Ah, last night was wonderful”, “Hubby’s finally fixed his back problem”, especially when I’m around or, more importantly, when no one else is. And then she asks me about my sex life which, I’m afraid, is not particularly happening these days. Quick question: is she hinting at something? Or is this just one of those things women like to talk to their subordinates about?

Quick answer: yes, she is. Loud and clear. Normal women (not those, like yours truly here, who write sex columns), especially those who are married, rarely talk about sex, especially not with men who are subordinates. Unless they want some. I suspect that her nights are not consistently as wonderful as she’d like them to be and that the husband’s back problem still gets in the way. Now, here’s the question: what do you want to do about this? Spice up your sex life with the boss-lady? There are pros and cons. You’ll have to be good—she wants some good loving and she’s your boss. She’ll always be in control—which may be a good thing, depending on how you see it. There better not be any passion-induced quickies in the office. You can’t get caught. And you can’t ever be to one to stop the sexationship, unless you leave the job. The great thing is, if you’re good in bed in general and to her in particular you’ll get chosen to accompany her on company-sponsored trips, get that out-of-turn promotion and be the regular career-gigolo. Choose.

I’m like Donna’s boyfriend in ‘That 70s Show’. No one, including me, knows how I scored her. She is definitely the ‘catch’ in the relationship. We’re both fairly powerful personalities but she has a better career, earns three times as much as I do, is gorgeous, better educated, great in bed… the works. But in bed, she heckles, taunts and hurts me until I retaliate: and that’s when she’s satisfied. Can you explain this behaviour to me?

Oh, my childhood friend Sam went through the same thing. After many days of seeing him scratched, bruised and black-eyed, I sat him down to ask him what was going on. I say to you what I said to him, those many years ago: this isn’t going to go away. If you’re okay with the way things are going to be, go ahead. If you’re seriously uncomfortable, walk out. Here’s why—when the famous psychiatrist Maslow studied dominance behaviour in human females, he found that sex and dominance were closely related. Your woman seems to fit right into the high-dominance category. She likes you, a high-dominance man and expects you to be rough, athletic and unsentimental. Maslow’s most interesting theory was that all women preferred men who were more dominant than themselves. Your girlfriend’s provoking you to a higher level of dominance and enjoys the resultant sexual equation.

I have a three inch you-know-what. I can satisfy women, can’t I? I want to increase the size of my penis and be as well endowed as the men in the porn films. I also think I have the potential to be a porn star. What are the avenues I could take?

There is this bizarre theory doing the rounds that women aren’t visually turned on. They are. So while, technically, a three-incher is good enough (women are sensitive only for the first couple of inches in their vaginas and all that blah), there are things you’ll have to learn to make up for the visual if not physical disappointment. Kiss like a dream (not too much tongue, saliva or teeth). Learn the fine art of cunnilingus—perfect it. Learn to locate and work the G-spot. As far as your career aspirations go—what can I say? I can be extremely condescending and say, “I admire your confidence.” Or I could just be honest and say, “Isn’t happening honey.” I don’t recommend penis-enhancement surgery and you just don’t have what it takes.

An edited version of this column appeared in Man’s World in August 2007. I wrote this column for six months or so, but can only find a few pieces.